Namaste

This weekend I completed my 2nd month of yoga teacher training. I had the pleasure of spending one evening and two full days learning about various esoteric and practical components of yoga practice. There are few things I enjoy more than spending time on my mat, with my yoga buddies....

People from so many different backgrounds walking on the same path. People come to yoga for different reasons, but the one thing that keeps them coming back is that they feel better.
My yoga mat is one of the only places where I can go to escape the chatter in my head. More often than not, I am able to stay present on my mat. I find clarity and peace on my mat...it's definitely more than just a physical practice for me.

One of my most poignant memories is from a painful period in my life, coming to accept that I could no longer remain in a relationship. I attended a regular class with a dear friend, and she knew what I had been dealing with. In class that night, as I went through the ansana sequences, I made the decision to end the relationship. I cried through each pose because I knew that in order to take care of myself, I had to walk away. It was a painful realization, but I knew in my heart that it was what I had to do. The repetition of the familiar postures soothed me as I found the way to my heart on the safety of my mat. My heart told me the truth and led me to the decision I had been trying so hard to avoid.
As we lay in savasana,  the final resting pose, my friend reached out & took my hand. I knew then that everything would be OK.

Yoga means union. It joins us together and helps us to remember that, at our core, we're really all the same. Different outsides, different life experiences, but we all come from love. And at the end of the journey, that's what we're all trying to return to: love.


We're all just walking each other home. ---Ram Dass

Gratitude

Slowly, slowly I feel like I'm coming back to myself.

I know that sharing my experience (strength and hope) in the format has definitely played a major part in this shift. It's so interesting...since I started this blog just a week ago, I've I've received such incredible support & feedback and have found that a dialogue has begun. I'm talking to more people about my experiences and more people are sharing that they too have been having similar experiences in their own lives.

Just by the simple act of sharing our struggles (and successes!), we can help each other heal....so simple and so profound.

I'm so grateful to be a part of this process!

Here are a few of the tiny(HUGE) shifts I've experienced this week:

1. Sharing my deep dark secrets about the way I'm feeling shines a light on them and helps me to see what's true. Fear ALWAYS has a way of making the monsters in the corner bigger than they really are.

2. Acceptance helps me to loosen my death grip on the things that keep me stuck. 

3. When I stop trying to control everything, everything falls into its proper place.

4. Forgiveness...even just a teeny step in that direction...frees ME from the choke hold of resentment & fear.

5. Looking at my life through the eyes of gratitude completely changes what I see.

I have an amazing life today! I am truly grateful for every little part of it, even the parts I don't like because they're part of what make the great stuff that much more amazing!!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone...I am especially grateful for YOU!

xox

Breakthroughs...

I am blessed to have some very wise women in my life. Big hearted, loving, kind, FABULOUS and wise women....I'm very fortunate.

In the last week or so, I've shared my recent struggles with them and am grateful to have received an inordinate amount of love, support, and perspective from each of them in different ways. I'm also grateful that they allow me to work through my process in my own non-linear way and have patience with me while I do so.

A wise woman once told me that my secrets will keep me sick. I have enough experience in trying (unsuccessfully) to keep up appearances, while inside all hell is breaking loose, to know how deeply true that statement is.

As much as I like to pretend that I have some semblance of control over the people and events in my life, every so often, I need a reminder of how delusional that is. This time, I feel like I got slapped upside the head....I'm getting it from all sides!

That's where my fabulous ladies come in.....

I shared my "crazy" with some trusted friends and heard just what I needed to hear.  I also learned that there is more than enough crazy going around lately, so I would like to share some of their insight with you, in the hopes that something might resonate and be helpful for you too.

1. Would you rather be right or happy?

2. You can't see the BIG PICTURE so you don't know how this is going to play out in the end.

3. God is your employer, they just sign your check.

4. It's not what you say, but maybe it IS how you say it.

5. Resentment is like drinking poison & waiting for the other person to die.

6. You can't fight the current.

7. Tell that "crazy b**ch in my head" that it's not a good time for her to stop by.

8. Breathe

9. Restraint of pen & tongue works wonders.

On my walk today, I saw the first crocuses of the season...those tiny flowers broke through that hard winter soil and are starting to blossom. 

It's a good sign...

Connected

Shifting my perspective in tiny increments sometimes feels like crawling across a vast desert.

But tiny increments add up and some change, no matter how small, is better than staying stuck in a place I don't want to be.

I believe that there is innate wisdom deep inside each of us, but the noisy chatter in our heads is sometimes too loud to hear it.

For me, that chatter is like a hamster wheel, spinning faster and faster, serving no purpose  and succeeding only in making me dizzy and keeping me stuck.

If I can take a step away from that noise for a moment, I can catch my breath and, sometimes, even receive a moment of peace. 

I mentioned in my last post that I had run into a friend of mine,quite unexpectedly, at the grocery store. As we caught up over tea, I shared some of my recent issues with her and she reminded me about her daily gratitude practice. We agreed to become each others' accountability partners and today was the first day.

Opening myself up to another person and sharing my struggles honestly created a tiny shift which inspired me to start this blog...and I am definitely grateful for that!

Instead of jumping back on that hamster wheel, I reached out to others and felt truly engaged again. I asked my doorman about his weekend and his family as we commiserated about the lousy weather. I contacted another student in my teacher training group to check in on her progress with our assignments. We're making arrangements to form a study group, for support and motivation. I felt truly connected to the other students in class tonight and even introduced myself to our new neighbor....and her sweet dog.

I realize now that I was living in my heart rather than my head. 

I allowed myself to be guided from my true Source rather than the analytical chaos that exists between my ears.

I felt like I was back in my body, rather than disconnected, which is the way I've been feeling lately.

I felt like me.....

Glory hallelujah!

Seasons of change

 Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~ Mary Oliver

This has been a particularly harsh winter in the midwest (and other parts of the country). I don't know about you, but this winter has had a profound effect on my outlook and mood. I've become increasingly more aware of how much I want to hibernate, and how challenging it is to get out of bed in the morning.

I have a great life. At long last, I'm graduating college, I have started yoga teacher training, I have remarkable friends and a loving family. I am employed and have a roof over my head. I have more than enough food and am in good health. Plus, I have the sweetest furry "daughter" on the planet (...so, I'm biased!). I have weathered my share of painful experiences and am so grateful to have come out the other side...a little bruised maybe, but gaining wisdom and strength in the process.

And yet.....

I'm not happy. There, I admitted it. I feel guilty for saying that out loud, but there it is. And the messed up thing about it is that I don't even know exactly why. I'm engaging in behaviors that I know aren't in my best interests: self-pity, resentments....all those toxic, unhealthy things that I thought I gave up long ago. But those bast**ds are back with a vengeance...and they have their hooks in me.

I've written blogs before and received encouraging feedback from friends and colleagues who read my posts. My intention has always been to share honestly, in the hopes that my experiences might 
help someone else.

My intention for this new blog is the same. I will be as open and honest as I can be...that is a promise.

Over time, I've learned that...for me...there's fear and there's love....everything else is a by-product of those two emotions. If I'm angry or my feelings are hurt, when I peel away 
all the layers, it always comes down to fear. My heart has its share of scars from the past, but I'd rather risk another scar than keep my heart locked up behind an impenetrable wall....I lived too much of my life that way, thinking it was safer....it's not. I would rather love big than not at all. 

I am a big believer in the power of positive thinking. However, I have also learned that life is cyclical and there are seasons of life that mirror the seasonal cycles of nature. I have to surrender to the fact that some seasons are not filled with rainbows and sunshine. Some seasons are as harsh, dark and bitterly cold as this winter has been.

But...regardless of how harsh the winter has been, spring always comes. 

As I walked home tonight, after a serendipitous meeting with a friend, I noticed that the trees were starting to show buds and new growth! The next phase of the cycle is slowing starting to emerge.

As a wise person once said, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I know that this is true. The sun rises and the sun sets. Everything changes and nothing lasts. But that's OK. It's the way it was meant to be.