Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Phoenix rising




“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien


May is a special month for me.
Every year around this time, I am reminded of a younger version of myself... a young woman who was lost, scared, and broken.

The journey that began, ever so slowly, on a day in May, almost 15 years ago, is one that is personal, but I know the path I have traveled is not a solitary one.
I have made lasting friendships and experienced unfathomable losses. 
I found the love of my life and had my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.
I have slowly, tentatively, peeked from behind the wall that I built around my tender heart. At various times, I have broken through that wall, to experience the blissful joy of a life well lived and retreated back to the dubious safety that I believed I found there and reinforced the barricades ever more strongly, determined to never venture out again.

Life is hard...and beautiful...and sad...and flippin' SCARY!
Lately, I have been hibernating behind the wall...peeking through the cracks every so often to see what lies beyond.
I have, for the last few years, been deeply submerged in a period of growth...or so I'm told.
This isn't unfamiliar territory, but this particular period has seemed ENDLESS.

It's one of those..."just when you think it's safe to go back in the water...." moments.
Lots of changes, lots of starts and stops in fits & spurts...and, quite honestly, lots of times when I have, in the silence of my heart of hearts, wondered if it was REALLY worth all the bother. But, one of the many gifts of this journey, has been learning to keep showing up, no matter what.

As a longtime fan of Joseph Campbell, I am all too familiar with the Hero's Journey. In fact, I have experienced my own version on several occasions. 
This time of year gives me a special opportunity to reflect on my life, up until this point.
The words of the Tolkien poem that opens this post are especially poignant.

Keep moving, even if the progress is minimal.
Baby steps, my dear...baby steps.
NEVER give up hope.
Miracles happen every day...I know, because I am one.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.