Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Raw





“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” 


I'll be happy when I lose those last 10 pounds.
I'll be happy when I find Mr (or Ms) Right.
I'll be happy when I get that promotion,

Sounds familiar?

Once upon a time, (not too long ago..) I realized that I FINALLY felt ok. Better than ok...I felt good. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel like I needed anything (or anyone) to complete me.I felt joy-full most days......

And then things changed.

I felt like I lost my center. I felt lost, unbalanced, like I had woken up in another, very unfamiliar body. I felt like a fraud.

I've been struggling to find my way back ever since.

I hesitated to write this post. I wasn't sure that I was ready to allow myself to be so exposed and vulnerable in such a public setting.

But then I thought, "There must be others out there who feel the same way!"
If you're one of those people, this post is written from my heart to yours.

I'm not quite sure what happened, but for the last several years I have been engaged in an internal battle of self-loathing. I gained weight and hate the way I look and feel in my own skin.

On the one hand, I know that there is much more to me than my outward appearance. But there are many layers to my situation, many of which I haven't even begun to discover. I am so consumed with hating the way that I look, that I find myself stuck in that space.
I have spent countless time & money searching for the next "quick fix", but each time, I fall short in following through and staying committed to getting healthy & feeling better about myself.

WHY?

I makes no sense to me.

Clearly, I have found some type of dysfunctional comfort in this state.
It must go deeper than what I look like on the outside.
Maybe the added weight serves as a buffer between me & my life: from exposing myself, allowing myself to be vulnerable, from getting hurt.
Maybe I need learn how to love myself just as I am, right now.

HOW do I do that???

I think (hope) that sharing my story, honestly, & in such a public way, is a baby step in that direction.

Although I'm not thrilled about where I am on my journey right now, it is my truth at the moment.
It's part of my story.

I have a 15 year sober history that proves that I can change. I can create a life beyond my wildest dreams by asking for help and doing the next right thing. I can turn my struggles over to a Power greater than myself.

So here it is....the raw, unvarnished truth of my life as it is...today.

My story....to share with you.

From my wide, open heart......

With gratitude,
Maria